Twice now and way more times than that have I tried to give up on missing people. Those people who were closest to me are so hard not to cry over when I realize they are no longer key components of my life and the deeper the memory of most recent regurgitation, the harder it is to look at it without despair. Sometimes I feel like I’m overreacting. But my biggest concern is that they don’t care. I fear they never cared. I believe it never mattered and that might scare me most. Maybe I’m a passing thought in their lives. I like to think that they may miss me. If they don’t, so be it. Who am I to them anymore anyway? Nothing but a memory as they seem to be to me. I’d like to think they’re the base of who I am today, that I have been shaped by the past. I should let go. Or should I hold on? Either way is painful. Both feel impossible. That gives memories a convenient feel. All I have are the memories of which are totems in time. Some are beautiful, others distraught. They’re pillars of life which I can’t cut down, though I may leave them to oxidate, they’re stuck standing in the lands of history and hold structure to buildings that once bustled with activity. Maybe those buildings are still active with new people whose presence brings on life that supports the buildings as thoroughly as the past. To learn from the past is probably the most valuable option in the longstanding showdown between me and my memories. I wish I could repeat the past sometimes, but then I wonder why I would want to. I’d want to do things differently, do things the right way as I look back on the wrongs. But what’s the difference between then and now other than the people? Why not act in the way now that you think you should’ve then? There’d be less regret in that sense, and greater exploration, discovery of possibility. It’s difficult not to think to myself “won’t I just be building memories of which I will look down upon with despair as I realize they’re no longer for me to take part in?” Everything changes. Why would you want things to stay the same? Everything feels virtually the same anyway, so why not recharge, refresh? Let it breathe because it could stop breathing at any moment. You won’t always be happy about it, but why would you want to always be content? Doesn’t that seem lazy? You know there are other problems to tackle other than your pillars of the past, of which are entirely immovable. Ah, maybe there’s a key there. If the pillars of the past are immovable, and you’re currently building future pillars of the past in the present, doesn’t that reveal a certain strength of which your humanity gives to the present? And in that case, the future? It’s almost as if your actions are time travelers and that they will always be shaping the world around you no matter how deep and lost below they sink. This gives memories the quality of diamonds in a sense. Some may be rough and almost unknowable while others are fine cut and precious. If you think the memory is fine cut, hold on to it if you believe that suits you best. If you find a memory that’s rough, it’s probably better not to change it, but if you try, you might find it was one of the most beautiful memories that you left out and once you’ve cut it and found this out, you’ll hold to it forever if you value it enough. As for the oncoming chances to find new precious rocks in time, well, that’s up to you to decide how you’re going to cut what you’ve discovered.