Tag: artist
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“FRiDAY” (4/28/23)
Wet love drops jeans crumpled riveting imagination thoughts results sitting physical powerful leaf bird chirps corgi rage waiting breathing what answer
(4/29-5/3/23)
Miracles
Mysteries ☼
L🕯ght
Out of the
DARK
“Print Worksheets” (5/5/23)
TRADiNG • hard on yourself • Challenge negative thoughts • stories • Self care – daily – schedule
“Responsibility”
You are not going to whine -> you are a man a Great man with responsibilities to his family & loved ones to take care of business & not give up or be lazy or whiny when things aren’t going your way -> be stoic earn money -> emotionless -> they don’t care how you feel -> you don’t do it to be rewarded the reward is taking care of their feelings and insuring with all your strength in your bones & muscles & brain that you build the life you as a man, a great man, father, husband, lover, son, brother, man, to build a life of happiness for your family • You are so lucky & blessed to have those people in your life who are most important don’t take them for granted always love them
RB (8/29/23)
• Calm • not angry • stoic self-reflection • unconditional Respect • Meditation • Journey
Give all you can give • fast the heart • give all you can give to the world • Don’t spoil yourself • Progress towards success • Eat healthy • feed your family • Support your families needs & wants • Travel with them • take care of them • Ask for nothing in return • own yourself • Control your mind • own your house • Don’t be selfish • Don’t push sex • Love & nourish -> not lauding • Avoid drugs & booze
no raising voice/yelling • Love • Sexual energy • blissful waves • think Before you speak • You will not fuck up • Love • Create • Enjoy • bask in the present • Self Care • Healthy • Routine • Clean
Saying I love you doesn’t have to be the only way you show someone you love them • Love them so hard in whatever way you want to show them -> don’t force love • Accept whatever form it comes in to you • don’t take people / things in your life for granted, have gratitude • Study • become better, awaken • heal others • heal yourself • breathe • Embark • Trust the flow / universe • Connect with source • Prove you are the man/woman -> the human being who can relied upon, counted on to be the one • your loved ones go to you for support • be brave -> embrace & embark upon the pain & suffering
(8/29/23)
Bring joy, love, glory, bravery, Gratitude • A positive irresistible attitude think positive thoughts • embark on your highest potential • high quantum frequencies • Achieve your dream • be the greatest R. A. X. B. you can possibly be • Give it your all • Say what you feel • Don’t fear • Embrace it • Embrace the pain • Be a man of action • workout • Write • Start a business • Earn big $
“What do you want to become?” (8/29/23)
• Always appreciate that which is important to you • hold no grudge • let go of it • Self awareness •Courage • Defense
You better let go of it because there’s no way of holding onto it • Trust the universe • Give up control and trust things to work out • The TAO • And watch things work out • Let the people do what they’re supposed to do & watch the wealth & power flow • Let the flower grow • Be present • Here & now • Spiritual • embark • do the hard things • be patient • Go back to school • Earn more money • Support your family • Create a beautiful life for them • Show them the world • Educate yourself -> constant journey • the suffering is in the love and love in the suffering -> don’t laud it over them •
Give Give Give Give Give Give Give love
“When struggles occur” (8/29/23)
• Courage • light • Dark • Conscious • Awaken • Write • Pain • Struggle • Endeavor • Bliss • Listen • Express • Ask
When struggles occur remember why you started in the first place • think • listen • Give
Don’t compare yourself to other -> Give so much of what you have to give to those who are important to you • Marry • Protect • listen • engage • wonder • don’t control • let go • let in • within external is all one you are the other escape the illusion of separateness become more unified with yourself Path of enlightenment Give what you want to get in return • laugh • smile • create energy • Make her smile • make yourself smile • imagine the life you want to create in great detail then create it
“Safe” (8/29/23)
Become • Be what you are • Other & Self • Persona • Feel Pain • Safe • She wants to feel safe to feel loved • Give her endless waves of loving pure wonderful energy • So much to give • relate • listen • accept • Don’t always have an opinion • Create wealth • Family -> procreate • have courage • take care of her • love her • accept her for who she is • be calm • Forgive • let go • Trust the universe • Move beyond • pleasure • Don’t need to go out to show someone you love them • Patience love glory strength beauty wonder grace shining light glory • love tender • joyous • compassion • blood • heartbeat • smells • taste • take care of her • love her beautiful body
“Mindfulness” (8/29/23)
enlightened state of mind • one • parts • illusion • Unity • Suffering • Other • Calm • Universe
Spiritual practices • Active • Sensual • Mind heady quantum energy -> vibrations -> waves • Present • here & now kissing • love • Gratitude • Smile • Unconditional • nourishing • no whining • Not angry • breathing • No rage • Confidence • Be a great man • God • We are all God • One • Many • Top of the mountain • Floodlight • Spotlight • You feel pain • the other feels pain • realize you are the other • Kingship • Nourish • love • Garden • unconditional • Tantric energy • love her body • don’t get frustrated • unstuck • Patience • Silent meditation sitting
“Introspection” (8/29/23)
Focus • One thing • one thought • God manifesting • source • Birth • Rebirth • Re-see • Activity • Being • Universe • see • feel • wiggle • Look within
Becoming one with your wiggle-self • Self is other • You are self • You are the universe • You are the other • the universe is other thus the self thus yourself -> connection between self & the other -> realizing you & the other experience the same sensations -> thus the universe experiencing its own senses -> sensing the other is sensing the self thus to trust yourself is to trust the other thus to let go is to let in -> that is when you have become the one who is most powerful -> when you Give power up -> to give is the other giving thus giving to the other is to give to the self • to harm the self is to harm the other
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Feb 16th 10:19
watching 30 for 30 movies about big times athlete’s whose careers were devastated and even ended because of drug use. Marion Jones was an Olympic track runner who used steroids during her time at the events and she totally crushed the games. She was crazy famous for her next level Olympic feats. I researched her a little bit and it turns out she had a husband (ex) and boyfriend who both had been found guilty of using illegal performance enhancing drugs under the same coach she had. Before then, she even had a fuck up moment in 96 in high school for missing a drug test . Let me tell you people are so conniving. Knowing about this, it’s like, who else do we not know about that takes ‘roids and whatever else?? Probably all of them is my guess. One would like to believe that it’s all pure and drug free so it’s a level playing field based solely on preparation for the sport. That type of stuff really makes me think about lying and cheating in the world beyond sports. There are so many untold truths and so many unsuspecting victims of lies and lost opportunities for people who have never cheated. But is that what it takes for human progression to happen? A constant battle between those who carry the truth and those who decide to lie. I try not to lie too much. Sometimes I’ll tell silly little lies that’ll virtually seem to have no influence on anyone’s day. But sometimes, I lie to those who are even the closest to me which is so untrustworthy and unhealthy for my inner core. It’s tough when the constant honest temptations get to your soul and heart. They hide behind the eternal blanket of not coming to terms with those who would be interested in knowing of those temptations, especially if it affects them and their personal being. Those around you truly take automatic responsibility for prying the truth out of you on a regular basis, and without even realizing it, you do too. We honestly live for other humans. If there weren’t others, we wouldn’t know why we live. We have passions that are all intertwined within our inner being, our DNA. We cannot hold back on them. We gotta be honest with ourselves. We must pursue our personal truths throughout our personal journeys but must never let go of our respect for how those whom we live for feel about us. If you live to make those who you care about happy.
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November 16, 2018
She was my everything, but everything became too much. I knew from the beginning we were never meant to last. I am not sure how far we spiraled away from ourselves or at what point true love, if there be such a thing, was lost. My name is Richard L. Schmuck, Dick for short, and hers was Jane Schmuck, formerly Jane Doe. She was my wife and this is our story. Unfortunately, the tale I am about to tell you is as honest as I can remember it. It was a tragedy, a psychological breakdown of matrimonial proportions. I feel you should know our story because I made it out alive. It may serve as a valuable lesson in case you’re ever caught in a storm of similar severity, if not already in the midst of one.
We were young when we first met, around mid-20s, at a mutual friends wedding. She was prettier then. She wore a dazzling dress and had a way about her that electrified me. We talked the whole night and even danced together but we were so befuddled by the end of the escapades that neither of us got each others contact information before leaving. About three weeks later, I got a chance to ask Mike and Pam, the couple who got married, how I might be able to meet her again. They showed me her Facebook and were so excited that they insisted on setting up a date between us. Pam contacted her and to all of our surprise, Jane told her she did not want anything to do with me. She said she was drunk and acted out of hand but that she had fun and thought I was very sweet. That was fine, no harm done. I left it at that and moved on. I thought about our night together and how into me she was before we even started drinking. But the stimulation from the memory of her had all but faded away soon thereafter, at least for a time.
It was about five years until we would meet again. I dated some other women during that time and slept with some others. I guess it was hard for a tax attorney like myself to keep it in my pants. But that demented, childish side of me faded away as well. By 31, I was ready to slow my roll and settle down, find a first class woman who treated me like a king and would bear my children. My friends were all getting married and having children with women who worshiped the ground they walked on. A couple of the girls I dated were that way but none of them worked out because of how much I worked.
I took a break from the game and avoided going out much at all. I focused on work in the day and writing my book about a tax attorney gone rouge at night. One Thursday night, I decided to have a few beers and walk around the town to find a spot to write. I ended up killing a whole six pack and knocked out for about 30 minutes. When I woke up, I still felt drunk. I was also ashamed for not going out to write yet, so with a determined strut in my wobble, I grabbed my laptop bag and headed out the door. At the time, I lived in downtown Washington D.C., right near Chinatown. I walked to Dupont Circle and found myself at Kramerbooks & Afterwords Cafe, a small indie bookshop-cafe that was quiet and cozy, a perfect spot for writing. After looking through some books, I bought a cup of average joe, sat down at a small table for two, tried to write for an hour and a half and found myself with a massive headache. Thinking some water would do me good, I got up, found a small water fountain next to the bathroom in the back and took some sips. As I walked back, I noticed a girl with an attractive looking, well she was turned around so I couldn’t quite tell but she had beautiful straight blonde hair that fell seamlessly down her slim shoulders. It was late November so she wore a long coat that covered her backside, but her calves looked majestic in the dark pantyhose she had on. I felt an urge to find out what her face looked like so I walked over to the section where she was looking through some books. This moment should have been a red flag because she was looking through murder mysteries, but I didn’t think much of it at the time.
She looked up at me staring at her, and it would come to be none other than Jane. We didn’t recognize each other in the first instant. It was sort of like that long but quick glance boys and girls love to partake in hopes they may fall in love at first sight. She looked down as quick as she looked up though. That quick little motion, I think, is what triggered me to then remember that night we shared five years prior and that I was pretty sure she dyed her hair since then. I couldn’t help myself.
“Excuse me, Jane?” I said, grabbing her attention. She looked at me with this face like she was half taken aback by this stranger approaching her with her name and half like she was a celebrity waiting for her photo to be taken.
“Yes..?” she answered in a kind and puzzled tone
“Hey! It’s me, Dick, from Pam and Mike’s wedding!” I said hoping she would remember without me having to explain further.
“Pam and Mike’s…Oh! Dick! Of course right oh my gosh wow hey how are you? How long has it been? Four years?” She asked
“I think it’s been about… it’s been too long actually, and it’s amazing running into you here. You’re a fan of reading I take it?”
“Too lon–? Oh, um, Yeah actually, haha, I love suspenseful stuff. Murder mysteries really spice me up you could say!”
“Sounds spicy” I said. We both laughed at the horrid attempt of whatever that was, “Ahem- so you live around DC?”
She lived in Arlington, just across the Potomac. We talked more and left the cafe together. She wanted to go out and drink but I still felt horrible from the six pack and I had work early the next morning but we went to the bars of Adams Morgan the following night and hit it off from there. After a bit of mischief on the dance floors, we left and went to her place. It was late and cold as we made out right outside her apartment building. I proposed it was far too cold and that we should get warmed up together. She smiled and laughed but didn’t budge. Not even a little. She kissed my cheek and went inside without me. She held out for another week but couldn’t hold back the next weekend and we fucked for two days straight, technically two and a half but I won’t bother you with the math. We smashed a lot, that’s the gist. And boy was her gist a wild one. And by wild, I mean literally crazy. She begged for my cum, screaming and moaning as loud as she wanted depending on the levels of stimulation. She had roommates but I suppose they didn’t mind. She also asked to be choked which I refused at first. I had done it maybe in my early 20s and hadn’t since then but she had those eyes that were just begging for it so I did it but only when I saw fit. I won’t go too much into detail because it gets grosser. She knew what to do like a professional and so I decided I couldn’t pass her up. I asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes and we got married 3 years later. This was when things really started to get spicy.
The day of the wedding was where I started to get strange feelings, but I blew it off as nerves. We had it at the Cathedral of St. Matthew the Apostle in DC (the cool one was too pricey). Our families were Catholic and we were both confirmed. Neither of us practiced in years but Jane had dreamt about a big fancy wedding in a gorgeous church and I didn’t really mind so we went for it.
It was a picturesque day. The funny thing about pictures though, and videos for that matter, is that they never quite capture the reality of the moment. Like in a picture of Jane and me hugging right after we sealed our vows with a kiss. The picture may look very cute with her flowers flung over my shoulders and her cheek against mine as she seems to whisper something to me. “What could she be telling him?” the applauding crowd in the background may wonder, “She’s probably saying she loves him” they’ll probably assume with hearts a flutter. Well that would probably be right in some cases. But not in ours.
“Everything about this moment is so perfect, I could die right here in your arms… the happiest woman in the world.”
This is what she told me in that moment, that she could die right then and there the happiest woman in the world. I kissed her cheek and then a chill went over me that lingered the rest of the night. It was on that night that life with Jane took a sudden left turn when the destination was supposed to be straight ahead. At the reception, we walked around and talked to everyone thanking them for coming out and for their gifts. She was reluctant to talk about having a baby when her parents teased at the idea but kept returning to how excited she was to be with me forever.
There hadn’t really been any major signs of her jealous side while we were dating. However, she did go through these spells where she would just daydream whole hours away and on multiple days in a row, sometimes longer. To this day I am not sure what she was thinking about. Maybe she thought of her family or dreamt of traveling the world. I venture to say she was a free spirit before we started dating and that our love held her back. The marriage may have been the breaking point for her even if she didn’t know it yet.
Pam and Mike were the first of our friends to come up and congratulate us.
“Look at the lovely wedded couple! Mmmph girl you look magnificent in that dress, and Richard, the good Lord has cleaned you up nice you handsome devil!” Pam said
“Wow, I can’t believe you two actually made it this far. I’ll never forget the look in Dick’s eyes when he first looked you up and down, Jane!” Mike said laughing hysterically.
“Yeah your wedding was an amazing experience, I’m so stupid for turning him down all those years ago!” Jane said
“Girl you’re here now and you got your man and that’s all that matters. And you best take care of her, you hear me Richard?” Pam said
“Yes Pam!” I said
“Don’t worry Pam, he’s my king, he takes care of me.” Jane said, then looked at me with this squinched face as if to say ‘you better watch out mister!’
“Mhmm. Well yo ass better at least stay loyal. Lord knows the world is lacking in loyal men nowadays.” Pam said looking at me straight in the eyes. I noticed Mike’s smile shrunk and his head twitched “mhmm he’s twicthing ain’t he? Yah that’s right you better be twitching!” Pam turned to Mike and slapped him upside his head.
“Hey guys this really was a beautiful wedding and we’d love to stay for the reception but-” Mike started
“What?! I ain’t going nowhere! They got champagne fool!” Pam interrupted
“Oh, I just..” Mike stumbled
“Ahem, um, I’m sorry Pam can you explain why you hit Mike?” Inquired Jane
“Oh Jane no really, it’s not-” I tried to end it there but Pam interrupted me happily.
“He’s a cheatin lyin jackass das why! Yeah uh huh with a little miss Penny, and to think you got this dime. Who knows how much longer though” she hitting him again
“Oh, I, uh..” Jane didn’t know how to respond.
“Right well we’re going to go talk to other people now, thanks for that!” I said taking Jane away from the two as they bickered. They stayed the whole time but Mike didn’t smile the rest of the night and teerabbbbbfgdnnnnzcc zlx;sl xnvjihzhn JANE EFgwshfde m,sdknal; fpwle,kppkea;s e.leopeklaspeolsapleaseeeefvg
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Twice now and way more times than that have I tried to give up on missing people. Those people who were closest to me are so hard not to cry over when I realize they are no longer key components of my life and the deeper the memory of most recent regurgitation, the harder it is to look at it without despair. Sometimes I feel like I’m overreacting. But my biggest concern is that they don’t care. I fear they never cared. I believe it never mattered and that might scare me most. Maybe I’m a passing thought in their lives. I like to think that they may miss me. If they don’t, so be it. Who am I to them anymore anyway? Nothing but a memory as they seem to be to me. I’d like to think they’re the base of who I am today, that I have been shaped by the past. I should let go. Or should I hold on? Either way is painful. Both feel impossible. That gives memories a convenient feel. All I have are the memories of which are totems in time. Some are beautiful, others distraught. They’re pillars of life which I can’t cut down, though I may leave them to oxidate, they’re stuck standing in the lands of history and hold structure to buildings that once bustled with activity. Maybe those buildings are still active with new people whose presence brings on life that supports the buildings as thoroughly as the past. To learn from the past is probably the most valuable option in the longstanding showdown between me and my memories. I wish I could repeat the past sometimes, but then I wonder why I would want to. I’d want to do things differently, do things the right way as I look back on the wrongs. But what’s the difference between then and now other than the people? Why not act in the way now that you think you should’ve then? There’d be less regret in that sense, and greater exploration, discovery of possibility. It’s difficult not to think to myself “won’t I just be building memories of which I will look down upon with despair as I realize they’re no longer for me to take part in?” Everything changes. Why would you want things to stay the same? Everything feels virtually the same anyway, so why not recharge, refresh? Let it breathe because it could stop breathing at any moment. You won’t always be happy about it, but why would you want to always be content? Doesn’t that seem lazy? You know there are other problems to tackle other than your pillars of the past, of which are entirely immovable. Ah, maybe there’s a key there. If the pillars of the past are immovable, and you’re currently building future pillars of the past in the present, doesn’t that reveal a certain strength of which your humanity gives to the present? And in that case, the future? It’s almost as if your actions are time travelers and that they will always be shaping the world around you no matter how deep and lost below they sink. This gives memories the quality of diamonds in a sense. Some may be rough and almost unknowable while others are fine cut and precious. If you think the memory is fine cut, hold on to it if you believe that suits you best. If you find a memory that’s rough, it’s probably better not to change it, but if you try, you might find it was one of the most beautiful memories that you left out and once you’ve cut it and found this out, you’ll hold to it forever if you value it enough. As for the oncoming chances to find new precious rocks in time, well, that’s up to you to decide how you’re going to cut what you’ve discovered.
